The thing about Happiness

I just read an small excerpt from a study done several years ago that basically said winning a large lottery doesn't make many people happy. I struggled with the results. Personally, I thought of all of the day to day tasks (grocery shopping, housecleaning, meal prep and planning, shoveling, weed pulling, etc) that a little bit of coin could eliminate from my personal to-do-list. When looking a little deeper though what the study suggests is that yes, money, and a large amount of it, can make many things easier for you, but ultimately after that initial high of newly obtained fortune you will return to your original level of happiness prior to winning that big jackpot.

It is not uncommon for us as humans to believe that when we dump the lousy spouse, move into a custom home or land the right job that our life will be perfect and we will feel happy. Think about the excitement of a new relationship, new spacious home or new promising job. We feel on top of the world and set. But in time, unless we are mindful of the shift in our perception, the luster wanes in the relationship, the house needs updating and the ideal job feels oppressive. In other words, like the lotto winners, you return to your baseline level of happiness you had prior to obtaining the person, house or job.

I often remind clients that ultimately we need to work on what we own in a soured relationship because it will absolutely without fail show up in the next committed relationship, especially if we branded the cause of our last failed relationship on the other partner. The same goes for that bigger and better home. Nothing beats a new home meeting all of your specifications and amenities but it won't resolve day to day happiness internally, it only gives you a new setting to be miserable.

I offer these suggestions to consider if you are in a place right now where you feel your surroundings, the people in your life or your situation is what is causing you to be unhappy.

1. Find what is good in the situation that is causing you distress. If it is a relationship that is your identified source of misery and it feels all bad all the time, perhaps it means accepting that that isn't exactly true. There was a time when you really enjoyed this person and perhaps the decline in your happiness with the other person involved a collective abandonment of that relationship. Just owning that there is a history, that was good at one time takes away that feeling of having been victimized by that other person in this relationship and allows for healing or separation to occur in a better light.
2.  Take daily ownership and inventories of your moods and thoughts. There is often a pattern of negative thinking and feelings that can minimize the good and maximize the bad. Again, a person who is in a daily state of mind looking to be offended or disappointed will never be let down. What kind of internal business is coloring your view on your world around you?
3. Be grateful for what is in your life. If you are in a state of gratitude you can appreciate things like a bigger home but your happiness isn't contingent on obtaining it. You are able to take pride in your current living arrangement and be grateful that you have a safe place to live. Perhaps your home won't be a home featured in House Beautiful any time soon, but you have heat, running water, a full pantry and frig. Be grateful for what is.
4. Go back to that dream of winning the lottery. Are you at your absolute happiest in the here in now with what you already have? If not continue to play that game of luck but work on your happiness now. Be happy before that lotto lands in your lap and you will truly enjoy it in the long run!

Mary Jackson Lee, LCSW is a psychotherapist with a private practice in Wheaton, IL.


Suggested/related reading

"The holidays are hard for people"

I heard the comment, "the holidays are hard for people" several times this weekend when being asked about how my busy private practice was going. I think partially it is true that the holidays can bring up a lot of sadness, unresolved problems with family, reminders of what we haven't accomplished as the year closes and for some a feeling that they just didn't have the holiday that they had hoped for or projected in their mind.

I also believe that the holidays at the end of the year are hard to avoid. Any other holiday whether it be Fourth of July, Easter, Memorial Day, can be avoided. Much of life continues on for these holidays grocery stores are open, people can be busy doing other things if they chose to not be with family or friends or don't have family and friends to fill the day with a BBQ or get together. But Christmas is deafeningly quiet if you are not out with family and friends.

Additionally, some people find that the requirement to be with family is upsetting. Dread fills the minds of many who still have unresolved issues with family members or in-laws as they remember they need to spend the day with them. Marriages might feel more strained, financial issues may feel more exacerbated, alcohol can loosen inhibitions, things are said and done and the attempt to have the perfect Christmas comes crashing down.

As a cognitive behavioral therapist I always steer clients to look at what they are thinking in any situation that brings them distress. Christmas can be loaded with distorted thinking patterns.

One such distortion is that we should be able to sideline our internal distress or conflicts for the holidays. On the contrary, for many people they feel more heightened. Yes, ideally we could shelve our differences and be civil with each other, kind even would be an accomplishment. Instead many become more isolating, more judgmental, more excluding of those they hold most in contempt. While it might seem justified what we miss is that it takes mental energy to do this. Ultimately it makes us more bitter, more depressed, angry and leaves the already scarred relationship even more splintered.

So what do we do? How do we go forward into the next year? For many the suggestion that you turn inward and work on your own stuff when someone else is appearing to be your source of upset is not easily swallowed, but it is an effective goal.

Now is a perfect time to start keeping a journal if you don't already. Maybe you begin with a summary of your holidays. What went right? What went wrong? What do you wish you could get a "do over" on? Who really annoyed you? How were you involved in any of the conflicts? In other words, someone can be a pill, but do you sling mud right back over the fence in a justified stance? How do you end up feeling after that mudslinging?

Some relationships do need to end, some need to come to a truce of a basic common sense of respect for the other person or persons. Often we give others the power to make us feel a certain way and again, it is hard to see that no one can make us feel anything. We are in charge of our feelings and our thoughts. We can also choose not to be offended. There is a saying that if you go looking to be offended you will rarely be disappointed.

January traditionally is a month that many adults enter therapy. Overtly it may be linked to the holidays but I generally see folks who had issues worthy of work with a therapist with an onset long before the holidays. The holidays only acted as a spotlight on an already festering wound.

Not everyone has to address their stress with therapy. Once you know better, you do better. Once you accept it isn't your nemesis that makes you miserable you are half way there. You actually have some say in your experience. That is an empowering concept to grip and act on.


Suggested/related reading:

Bandit Therapist

As we open the month of October in Chicago, many long distance runners are eagerly anticipating the Chicago Marathon. I have run the race twice. Well, to indicate that I ran it as a “race” might imply that I had hopes of “winning”, so perhaps I am more accurate in calling the marathon a really long run of 26.2 miles, that I completed in, without question, one of the most awe inspiring cities, with the most energetic spectators. The marathon is, by some statistics I have come across, a distance that only 1% of the general population will ever attempt. That statistic to me might lead people who have never run a marathon to believe that it is a unique person who would or could run a marathon. I beg to differ with that assumption. Now, I am not minimizing the distance or the commitment it takes to train for and complete a full marathon. I will always have respect for the distance. It is daunting, it is a long time to be running, even for the faster paced runners and it does result in a lot of wear and tear on your body.

My bigger point is that we all have the mental and physical capacity to endure pain of body and mind and eventually cross the finish line, changed forever. In another way, we all can and do run “marathons”of life. They are often categorized differently though and don’t result in a obtaining a finisher’s medal or PR. But boy, I wish we did honor these challenges of life as much as we do running 26.2 miles.

I have the very privileged honor to facilitate and witness marathons and finish lines on a daily basis in my work. I see objectively adults who have sailed through life without much problem only to hit “the wall”. The wall is the point in the marathon when your tank is empty, your body hurts, and you want to cry, die or just lie down. I am not running the marathon this year but I will “bandit” and jump in around mile 18 to bring a group of women that I run with on a regular basis in to the finish line. I must clarify; these women are fully capable of completing that distance without my help. They are all well trained and conditioned for this race. My purpose will be to give encouragement, or stay silent, speed them up, or meet them at their pace, suggest a gel or tell them a joke. I cannot help but to see the parallels in my job as a therapist. Many times a client doesn’t need me to say anything, they want a witnessed, private cry, or a cursing session, or just to sit for a moment in silence, but not feel alone. Make no mistake, all of my clients are capable of “getting through” to their own finish lines, but gosh, as a runner and as someone who has also benefited from the services a therapist, I know for sure it is a whole lot easier to do it with the help of another.

Running a marathon changes you. There is no doubt about it. There is a shift in your belief system and what you think is impossible changes. I often reflect back to my clients that the issues they struggle with and eventually conquer will also change them and hopefully if they choose to gaze upon it in the right light, it will mirror back to them their own “finisher’s medal” and shorten up their own personal list of what is impossible.

Mary Jackson Lee, LCSW is a psychotherapist with a private practice in Wheaton, IL.

Click here to see Mary's practice website.

What's your story?

Everyone has a story. People will eagerly share the story of how they met their spouse, the story of their latest vacation, the story of how they got a great deal on a new item of clothing, the list is endless. I suggest that every person walking around today has another story or more importantly many stories going on in their head that they will not share with you verbatim. These are the stories that are influencing their choices, their feelings, and their overall life situations. Each person has an internal narrative that helps them navigate their world.

Let me give you an example, take the person who is neck deep in unsecured debt yet cannot accept downsizing their home, or getting rid of their high monthly payment foreign luxury car because they feel it would impact on their image,or the image they are trying to sell to the outside world. Perhaps the story that they are influenced by is

"I am what I drive", "I am where I live", "I am things that are exclusive", "no one will respect me if I don't have this", "everyone will think I am a failure if I don't drive this".

Stay with me because behind that story line is another story line.

"I am worthless", "I am a failure", "I am scared", "I am anxious", " I have not accomplished much".

So ultimately, the things (the car, the possessions) will help keep the debate going.

"I cannot be a failure, look at my car!" "But you are in debt, how are you going to pay off that credit card?" feeling anxious... "Look, we bought a new TV!" "On credit!" feeling depressed...


To further add to this layer most people don't know that they are telling these stories day in and day out. They will be able to rationalize their behavior and choices, "you need to spend money to make money", true enough, but not if you are in debt.

When I meet with clients for the first time I obtain a full history on them, or in most cases, I get to know what they will let me know. I take into consideration that outside of the objective information like their name, age, date of birth, they have a "story" playing in their head too. This story is sometimes in conflict with what is happening in their life at that time and sometimes this is what prompts them to enter therapy. It is not uncommon for a person to report, "I just never thought I would be the kind of person who would need to see a therapist." Stop right there! The client is responding to a story. Maybe it is a family story passed on to them from their parents. Maybe the family agrees that their story will not include weakness, or overt displays of emotion, or need. Perhaps the story is gender based, perhaps this is a gentleman who has never felt weak, never felt he needed help with anything and he has accomplished quite a bit in his personal and professional life. His story " I will never need therapy" is backed up by his objective history.

This is where uncomfortable feelings like depression, anxiety and fear and the related stories they carry, "I am sad", "I feel worried", "I am scared", cause great internal discord.

For some people, once I suggest that they have stories they are telling themselves, they begin to become more aware of the automatic thoughts that are occurring in their mind every day. They are able to then look at what those thoughts are debating and more importantly what they make them feel,

"I sure feel sad and I don't know why" "Come on buck up man, you have a meeting today, people are depending on you!" "I don't know why people depend on me, look at me!"

..and thus this pattern continues and with it, symptoms of depression and anxiety. When the stories we live by are conflicting and debating we feel unrest. Often the stories are distorted. This is the real meat and potatoes of therapy because once a client realizes that he/she is operating under thoughts that are distorted or inaccurate they can be mindful of that pattern of thinking and work to challenge those thoughts with more realistic viewpoints. Clients begin to use their feelings to tell them how they are thinking. Chances are when their emotions are out of balance, their thought process involves stories being told that are either debating each other or are just plain inaccurate distortions.

Consider taking note of your own stories, especially when you find yourself attaching a story or motive behind the behavior of someone else that you find especially annoying or wrong. Chances are, their behavior is stirring up one of your stories.
Be well!

Mary Jackson Lee, LCSW is s psychotherapist with a private practice in Wheaton, IL. Click here to see her practice website