Everyone has a story. People will eagerly share the story of how they met their spouse, the story of their latest vacation, the story of how they got a great deal on a new item of clothing, the list is endless. I suggest that every person walking around today has another story or more importantly many stories going on in their head that they will not share with you verbatim. These are the stories that are influencing their choices, their feelings, and their overall life situations. Each person has an internal narrative that helps them navigate their world.
Let me give you an example, take the person who is neck deep in unsecured debt yet cannot accept downsizing their home, or getting rid of their high monthly payment foreign luxury car because they feel it would impact on their image,or the image they are trying to sell to the outside world. Perhaps the story that they are influenced by is
"I am what I drive", "I am where I live", "I am things that are exclusive", "no one will respect me if I don't have this", "everyone will think I am a failure if I don't drive this".
Stay with me because behind that story line is another story line.
"I am worthless", "I am a failure", "I am scared", "I am anxious", " I have not accomplished much".
So ultimately, the things (the car, the possessions) will help keep the debate going.
"I cannot be a failure, look at my car!" "But you are in debt, how are you going to pay off that credit card?" feeling anxious... "Look, we bought a new TV!" "On credit!" feeling depressed...
To further add to this layer most people don't know that they are telling these stories day in and day out. They will be able to rationalize their behavior and choices, "you need to spend money to make money", true enough, but not if you are in debt.
When I meet with clients for the first time I obtain a full history on them, or in most cases, I get to know what they will let me know. I take into consideration that outside of the objective information like their name, age, date of birth, they have a "story" playing in their head too. This story is sometimes in conflict with what is happening in their life at that time and sometimes this is what prompts them to enter therapy. It is not uncommon for a person to report, "I just never thought I would be the kind of person who would need to see a therapist." Stop right there! The client is responding to a story. Maybe it is a family story passed on to them from their parents. Maybe the family agrees that their story will not include weakness, or overt displays of emotion, or need. Perhaps the story is gender based, perhaps this is a gentleman who has never felt weak, never felt he needed help with anything and he has accomplished quite a bit in his personal and professional life. His story " I will never need therapy" is backed up by his objective history.
This is where uncomfortable feelings like depression, anxiety and fear and the related stories they carry, "I am sad", "I feel worried", "I am scared", cause great internal discord.
For some people, once I suggest that they have stories they are telling themselves, they begin to become more aware of the automatic thoughts that are occurring in their mind every day. They are able to then look at what those thoughts are debating and more importantly what they make them feel,
"I sure feel sad and I don't know why" "Come on buck up man, you have a meeting today, people are depending on you!" "I don't know why people depend on me, look at me!"
..and thus this pattern continues and with it, symptoms of depression and anxiety. When the stories we live by are conflicting and debating we feel unrest. Often the stories are distorted. This is the real meat and potatoes of therapy because once a client realizes that he/she is operating under thoughts that are distorted or inaccurate they can be mindful of that pattern of thinking and work to challenge those thoughts with more realistic viewpoints. Clients begin to use their feelings to tell them how they are thinking. Chances are when their emotions are out of balance, their thought process involves stories being told that are either debating each other or are just plain inaccurate distortions.
Consider taking note of your own stories, especially when you find yourself attaching a story or motive behind the behavior of someone else that you find especially annoying or wrong. Chances are, their behavior is stirring up one of your stories.
Be well!
Mary Jackson Lee, LCSW is s psychotherapist with a private practice in Wheaton, IL. Click here to see her practice website
