I heard the comment, "the holidays are hard for people" several times this weekend when being asked about how my busy private practice was going. I think partially it is true that the holidays can bring up a lot of sadness, unresolved problems with family, reminders of what we haven't accomplished as the year closes and for some a feeling that they just didn't have the holiday that they had hoped for or projected in their mind.
I also believe that the holidays at the end of the year are hard to avoid. Any other holiday whether it be Fourth of July, Easter, Memorial Day, can be avoided. Much of life continues on for these holidays grocery stores are open, people can be busy doing other things if they chose to not be with family or friends or don't have family and friends to fill the day with a BBQ or get together. But Christmas is deafeningly quiet if you are not out with family and friends.
Additionally, some people find that the requirement to be with family is upsetting. Dread fills the minds of many who still have unresolved issues with family members or in-laws as they remember they need to spend the day with them. Marriages might feel more strained, financial issues may feel more exacerbated, alcohol can loosen inhibitions, things are said and done and the attempt to have the perfect Christmas comes crashing down.
As a cognitive behavioral therapist I always steer clients to look at what they are thinking in any situation that brings them distress. Christmas can be loaded with distorted thinking patterns.
One such distortion is that we should be able to sideline our internal distress or conflicts for the holidays. On the contrary, for many people they feel more heightened. Yes, ideally we could shelve our differences and be civil with each other, kind even would be an accomplishment. Instead many become more isolating, more judgmental, more excluding of those they hold most in contempt. While it might seem justified what we miss is that it takes mental energy to do this. Ultimately it makes us more bitter, more depressed, angry and leaves the already scarred relationship even more splintered.
So what do we do? How do we go forward into the next year? For many the suggestion that you turn inward and work on your own stuff when someone else is appearing to be your source of upset is not easily swallowed, but it is an effective goal.
Now is a perfect time to start keeping a journal if you don't already. Maybe you begin with a summary of your holidays. What went right? What went wrong? What do you wish you could get a "do over" on? Who really annoyed you? How were you involved in any of the conflicts? In other words, someone can be a pill, but do you sling mud right back over the fence in a justified stance? How do you end up feeling after that mudslinging?
Some relationships do need to end, some need to come to a truce of a basic common sense of respect for the other person or persons. Often we give others the power to make us feel a certain way and again, it is hard to see that no one can make us feel anything. We are in charge of our feelings and our thoughts. We can also choose not to be offended. There is a saying that if you go looking to be offended you will rarely be disappointed.
January traditionally is a month that many adults enter therapy. Overtly it may be linked to the holidays but I generally see folks who had issues worthy of work with a therapist with an onset long before the holidays. The holidays only acted as a spotlight on an already festering wound.
Not everyone has to address their stress with therapy. Once you know better, you do better. Once you accept it isn't your nemesis that makes you miserable you are half way there. You actually have some say in your experience. That is an empowering concept to grip and act on.
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