The thing about Happiness

I just read an small excerpt from a study done several years ago that basically said winning a large lottery doesn't make many people happy. I struggled with the results. Personally, I thought of all of the day to day tasks (grocery shopping, housecleaning, meal prep and planning, shoveling, weed pulling, etc) that a little bit of coin could eliminate from my personal to-do-list. When looking a little deeper though what the study suggests is that yes, money, and a large amount of it, can make many things easier for you, but ultimately after that initial high of newly obtained fortune you will return to your original level of happiness prior to winning that big jackpot.

It is not uncommon for us as humans to believe that when we dump the lousy spouse, move into a custom home or land the right job that our life will be perfect and we will feel happy. Think about the excitement of a new relationship, new spacious home or new promising job. We feel on top of the world and set. But in time, unless we are mindful of the shift in our perception, the luster wanes in the relationship, the house needs updating and the ideal job feels oppressive. In other words, like the lotto winners, you return to your baseline level of happiness you had prior to obtaining the person, house or job.

I often remind clients that ultimately we need to work on what we own in a soured relationship because it will absolutely without fail show up in the next committed relationship, especially if we branded the cause of our last failed relationship on the other partner. The same goes for that bigger and better home. Nothing beats a new home meeting all of your specifications and amenities but it won't resolve day to day happiness internally, it only gives you a new setting to be miserable.

I offer these suggestions to consider if you are in a place right now where you feel your surroundings, the people in your life or your situation is what is causing you to be unhappy.

1. Find what is good in the situation that is causing you distress. If it is a relationship that is your identified source of misery and it feels all bad all the time, perhaps it means accepting that that isn't exactly true. There was a time when you really enjoyed this person and perhaps the decline in your happiness with the other person involved a collective abandonment of that relationship. Just owning that there is a history, that was good at one time takes away that feeling of having been victimized by that other person in this relationship and allows for healing or separation to occur in a better light.
2.  Take daily ownership and inventories of your moods and thoughts. There is often a pattern of negative thinking and feelings that can minimize the good and maximize the bad. Again, a person who is in a daily state of mind looking to be offended or disappointed will never be let down. What kind of internal business is coloring your view on your world around you?
3. Be grateful for what is in your life. If you are in a state of gratitude you can appreciate things like a bigger home but your happiness isn't contingent on obtaining it. You are able to take pride in your current living arrangement and be grateful that you have a safe place to live. Perhaps your home won't be a home featured in House Beautiful any time soon, but you have heat, running water, a full pantry and frig. Be grateful for what is.
4. Go back to that dream of winning the lottery. Are you at your absolute happiest in the here in now with what you already have? If not continue to play that game of luck but work on your happiness now. Be happy before that lotto lands in your lap and you will truly enjoy it in the long run!

Mary Jackson Lee, LCSW is a psychotherapist with a private practice in Wheaton, IL.


Suggested/related reading