What's your story?

Everyone has a story. People will eagerly share the story of how they met their spouse, the story of their latest vacation, the story of how they got a great deal on a new item of clothing, the list is endless. I suggest that every person walking around today has another story or more importantly many stories going on in their head that they will not share with you verbatim. These are the stories that are influencing their choices, their feelings, and their overall life situations. Each person has an internal narrative that helps them navigate their world.

Let me give you an example, take the person who is neck deep in unsecured debt yet cannot accept downsizing their home, or getting rid of their high monthly payment foreign luxury car because they feel it would impact on their image,or the image they are trying to sell to the outside world. Perhaps the story that they are influenced by is

"I am what I drive", "I am where I live", "I am things that are exclusive", "no one will respect me if I don't have this", "everyone will think I am a failure if I don't drive this".

Stay with me because behind that story line is another story line.

"I am worthless", "I am a failure", "I am scared", "I am anxious", " I have not accomplished much".

So ultimately, the things (the car, the possessions) will help keep the debate going.

"I cannot be a failure, look at my car!" "But you are in debt, how are you going to pay off that credit card?" feeling anxious... "Look, we bought a new TV!" "On credit!" feeling depressed...


To further add to this layer most people don't know that they are telling these stories day in and day out. They will be able to rationalize their behavior and choices, "you need to spend money to make money", true enough, but not if you are in debt.

When I meet with clients for the first time I obtain a full history on them, or in most cases, I get to know what they will let me know. I take into consideration that outside of the objective information like their name, age, date of birth, they have a "story" playing in their head too. This story is sometimes in conflict with what is happening in their life at that time and sometimes this is what prompts them to enter therapy. It is not uncommon for a person to report, "I just never thought I would be the kind of person who would need to see a therapist." Stop right there! The client is responding to a story. Maybe it is a family story passed on to them from their parents. Maybe the family agrees that their story will not include weakness, or overt displays of emotion, or need. Perhaps the story is gender based, perhaps this is a gentleman who has never felt weak, never felt he needed help with anything and he has accomplished quite a bit in his personal and professional life. His story " I will never need therapy" is backed up by his objective history.

This is where uncomfortable feelings like depression, anxiety and fear and the related stories they carry, "I am sad", "I feel worried", "I am scared", cause great internal discord.

For some people, once I suggest that they have stories they are telling themselves, they begin to become more aware of the automatic thoughts that are occurring in their mind every day. They are able to then look at what those thoughts are debating and more importantly what they make them feel,

"I sure feel sad and I don't know why" "Come on buck up man, you have a meeting today, people are depending on you!" "I don't know why people depend on me, look at me!"

..and thus this pattern continues and with it, symptoms of depression and anxiety. When the stories we live by are conflicting and debating we feel unrest. Often the stories are distorted. This is the real meat and potatoes of therapy because once a client realizes that he/she is operating under thoughts that are distorted or inaccurate they can be mindful of that pattern of thinking and work to challenge those thoughts with more realistic viewpoints. Clients begin to use their feelings to tell them how they are thinking. Chances are when their emotions are out of balance, their thought process involves stories being told that are either debating each other or are just plain inaccurate distortions.

Consider taking note of your own stories, especially when you find yourself attaching a story or motive behind the behavior of someone else that you find especially annoying or wrong. Chances are, their behavior is stirring up one of your stories.
Be well!

Mary Jackson Lee, LCSW is s psychotherapist with a private practice in Wheaton, IL. Click here to see her practice website

Good Grief

The experience of grief and loss is one that no one person living will ever avoid. I have learned though that how people grieve is as different as people are different. Many theorists have speculated on "how to" grieve or what to expect as "normal" when grieving. Elizabeth Kubler Ross, the Swiss born psychiatrist, is probably most famous for her theory that people with terminal illnesses go through five distinct stages of grief. She felt that we could expect the terminally ill patient to go through stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and eventually acceptance. Over the years, it has been accepted that it is not uncommon for the survivors of those who die of a terminal illness to also experience these same stages, as well as people who lose a job, go through a divorce or experience a major trauma. Critics of the theory say that it isn't as clean cut as going through these stages for many people as some people may never get angry or may never reach a stage of acceptance. Additionally, some people may move back and forth between these stages. It makes sense that as humans we are not predictable when it comes to an experience as complex as grief. The DSM (Diagnostic Statistical Manual, which is a manual for mental health professionals to use to make a diagnosis)is currently being revised for publication in 2012. "Complicated Bereavement" is being considered for addition for the updated version. Grief that lasts without a lift in its severity over time and/or that becomes so pronounced that it interferes with the day to day functioning of a person is considered complicated. There are of course certain situations that can complicate a grief process including series of losses in a short period of time, evidence of depression or other mood disorder prior to the loss, lack of social support and the way that specific person has grieved in the past. I agree that there might be situations where the loss of someone or other traumatic event may be a destabilizing event that disables a person from living their life as they did prior to the loss or event. I agree this might be out of the norm and considered a disorder that is treatable as a psychiatric diagnosis.
That last point though, the way a person grieves lingers in thought for me. I am more and more convinced that even though many people may cry at funeral services, memorials or upon learning of a death, many do not. There are some people who are in shock and literally cannot cry because the validity of the information that someone they love has passed away has not fully registered. I also know that there are people with personalities that just don't allow for crying, either it was a learned reaction or it is just their make up to present more reserved in the face of a major loss. At first glance another openly grieving person might label them as cold or in denial. What they might not know is that these are the people who might grieve privately and are not for whatever reason comfortable with an open display of emotion in public. Right or wrong? I say right. I say that no one person grieves right or wrong in comparison with another person. We are all programmed to manage our losses in whatever form they come, whether it is a death, divorce, illness, children leaving home, loss of youth, etc, in our own unique way. I truly believe that we cannot escape grief. We will feel loss somewhere on our life journey. I further believe that if grief goes unattended or stuffed down inside it will find its way out and sometimes in situations that are not congruent with the emotion. Take for instance the person who stoically goes through a divorce without emotion or processing of the loss out of a desire to get through it. It isn't uncommon for that same stoic person to break down crying when they come across a seemingly benign reminder of their marriage several months later. The lesson of course is to find your way to grieve, trust that it is a process, trust that it is "normal" to feel out of sorts for a while, and trust that your way to grieve is unique to you. No one can tell you how long it should take. No one should try to "distract" another from their grief, as it will only delay the inevitable and appropriate process. The moments in life that have grief as their backdrop are important moments. They show us our capacity to have loved and to have been loved, they show us our strengths and resilience, they also show us how fragile we are, how important today is and how unimportant all of the "other stuff" (think of your to do list) really is. Grief asks us to be present in our upset, it demands that we are attentive to what or more over who is left in our life and directs us to remember to live our life knowing that grief is a guaranteed and universal life event.
www.maryjacksonleelcsw.com

Naming the blog

I decided to start a blog for my private practice to offer a portal to the process of psychotherapy. For decades therapy has been stigmatized, mostly by those who have never had therapy before or by people who are considering therapy and are still on the fence. I titled my blog “I’m not crazy–Am I?” because it is such a common question I get from new clients. They wonder if simply by going into therapy they are automatically branded by the mental health profession as “crazy”. I like to respond to that question with another question, of course I do, I am a therapist after all. I ask them what “crazy” means to them. For most of them they are feeling that they are one stressful situation away from being committed to a psychiatric unit. I let them know that I understand that is how they “feel” right now. I assure them that I don’t believe that they are “crazy”. Personally my definition of crazy is lifted from the 12 Step Recovery program, they use the word “insanity” instead of “crazy” but it is a definition that I believe is spot on. “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome.” Many of the people who come to me have tried to remedy their struggles alone or by confiding in a friend or family member and still are stuck in the same spot. They decide to come in and do something that makes them uncomfortable, sets them up for potential stigmatization from other people and moves them out of their normal means of problem solving by entering therapy. So, my pat answer for someone who is seeking therapy and wondering, “I’m not crazy–Am I?” I say, no, absolutely not.
Visit my practice website www.maryjacksonleelcsw.com